


It Was Always Me

by bronzy28



Series: the shiganshina chronicles [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, M/M, Smut, a little violence here and there, don't be too put off by the eruri, dumb teenage hormones, eren doesn't know how to feelings, french teacher levi wow that's never been done before, mikasa is a little ooc, switching POV, very one sided eremika here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-07 11:18:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bronzy28/pseuds/bronzy28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since I was a child, it was always me.<br/>I remember kindergarten. All fingers were pointed to me.<br/>I remember elementary school. All voices recited in unison, “Eren did!”<br/>I remember middle school. All eyes were on me as Reiner spat confidently, “Eren Jaeger, sir.”<br/>It was my junior year of high school. All eyes were on me, including Levi’s.<br/>It was always me.</p><p>[INDEFINITE HIATUS - NEXT CHAPTER IS THE LAST]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Always

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: hello! this is literally my first shot at serious, actual fiction writing. ever. i'm just getting the hang of things so any criticism/comments/reviews are greatly appreciated. let me know if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.  
> i write relatively short chapters so i hope to update this a few times a week. i aim to make this as well paced as possible, so i don't have a set length at the moment. the rating will change to e as it goes along.  
> well, enjoy!  
> edit: sorry if the first two chapters are awkward. it gets better, i promise. c:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: i changed the name from miss ral to miss zoe for plot reasons, sorry about that c:  
> edit 2: i went back and fixed the incorrect tenses, sorry for the mistakes!  
> edit 3: i changed the chapter title, god i'm so bad at planning

It was always me.

Ever since I was a child, it was always me.

I remember kindergarten. One day on the playground I kicked stupid horse-face Kirschtein for pushing me into the dirt. Miss Zoe had lined us up against the dirty brick wall and asked who started it. All fingers were pointed to me.

 

I remember elementary school. I had just finished my macaroni picture of Mikasa.

“Mikasa, look! It’s you! Mi-pasta!”

She turned to me and scanned over my work. Struggling to contain her laughter, she grabbed the paper and slowly lowered it so she could look me in the eyes.

“Eren,” Mikasa was blushing furiously, leaning closer and closer to me the more she spoke, “I think it’s really nice.”

“Uh, Mikasa what are you do-” I tried to escape the inevitable, scooting further down the bench until I had knocked over cups of macaroni and glitter over all the drying pictures on the floor behind me.

“Mr. Gin,” Connie whined, “There’s glitter all over my picture!” He held up his picture of… whatever it was supposed to be and tried to shake off the glitter.

Mr. Gin looked up from where he was across the room, trying furiously to detach Sasha from a bottle of glue she was eating.

“Who knocked over the bowls of glitter?” he questioned.

All voices recited in unison “Eren did!”

 

I remember middle school. I sat in the second to last row of Mr. Bossard’s Literature class. Why he taught literature will always puzzle me. Every time he read aloud to the class he managed to bite his tongue. For a whole semester I was subjected to the sound of Macbeth hallucinating with a swollen tongue. For the days he wasn’t giving himself canker sores, he taught writing and grammar skills. The kids in the back row, specifically Reiner Braun, thought it was great fun to shoot spit balls at Mr. Bossard’s neck while he had his back turned.

He would spin around and yell, “who keeps hitting me with spitballs?”

Reiner would sit back in his chair and say with a smirk, “well, it was Eren Jaeger, sir.”

The first few times I only got a warning. Then I got detentions, and by then, the whole class had joined into Reiner’s joke. Even poor, sweaty Bertholdt.

One day Mr. Bossard was in a particularly bad mood but this didn’t stop Reiner’s antics. After the 4th spitball, he whipped around and looked across a room of snickering teens.

“Who was it th-” he bit his tongue but continued “thah thot the spih ball?”

All eyes were on me as Reiner spat confidently, “Eren Jaeger, sir.”

 

It was my junior year of high school. Since the spitball incident I'd tried to make myself invisible over the years. For the most part, it worked. Teachers didn't call on me, I wasn't chosen for sports teams and I was no longer the scapegoat for other peoples bullshit. 

That all changed 7th period.

My French teacher Levi, he insisted we called him by his first name, rarely opened discussion in class. He never called on anyone to answer; he only made vague statements directed at the class as a whole. His sunken, gray eyes looked around with disinterest most of the time. 

One day changed everything.

“Does everyone understand?” Levi turned his back to the board and tapped it with the butt of the marker. He tipped his head to look over his thin-rimmed glasses at the class, still scribbling notes and vocabulary words into their notebooks.

After jotting down the last sentence I placed my pen above my notebook and looked up to find piercing gray eyes staring back at me. My stomach practically lodged itself in my throat as I panicked, looking anywhere but at my teacher.

“Jaeger, is it,” Levi sounded out slowly, pushing his glasses onto the bridge of his nose with pale, slender fingers.

“I see you are done with your notes. Do you understand?”

All eyes were on me, including Levi’s.

It was always me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N as of 1/7: i forgot to add "thank you for reading"  
> so... thank you for reading c:
> 
> you can find me at arminsboner.tumblr.com


	2. Realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: i decided to post the second chapter as well. i'll go back and fix the format for the first chapter.

I swallowed hard.

“Yes, Levi,” I said shakily, daring to meet Levi’s stare.

In my 16 years of life I had never really questioned my sexuality. I mean, I thought people were cute but I never had interest in anyone. I inhaled a sharp breath once I realized how attractive Levi really was. His hair was a shiny, raven color, perfectly cut and shaped. His skin was unblemished and pale like perfect marble. Levi’s high cheekbones outlined his dark eyes and his chiseled jaw bone stood out against his muscular neck as he lifted it slightly. It was his mouth that almost left me breathless. Faded, light pink lips contrasted his pasty complexion. They were almost unreal. I imagined him leaning closer, his hot breath on my face and-

“Oi, Jaeger, I asked you a question.”

 _Fuck._ After I inwardly kicked myself for getting distracted, I managed to choke out, “U-uh, what was the question?”

 _Good one, Eren._ Not only was I fantasizing about my teacher, I was a complete idiot as well.

“Translate the phrase, ‘I can’t take anymore.’”

“Uh…” I blanked. I was great at French and everyone in my class knew as well. I’ve had almost perfect scores ever since I began the class in 7th grade. This was simple, why can’t I remember?

“Je n'y peux rien?”

Levi’s eyebrows arched slightly.

“Actually, Eren, the translation is ‘J'en peux _plus_ ,’” a slight smirk ghosted across his face, “pay a little more attention next time, alright?” He turned back to the whiteboard and wrote down the homework.

For the second time that day, all eyes were on me.

 

A rough hand grabbed me by the right forearm as I exited the classroom.

“Mikasa! What the hell? Were you standing there the whole time?”

I should be used to my sister’s nonsense by now but I was still distracted by what happened in French.

After my mother passed away a few years ago, my sister insisted on skipping the ninth grade so she could graduate early to look after me. When her senior year came around Mikasa used all her free periods to “look out for me” as she put it. She would wait by the door of my classroom and occasionally peek through any window she found. It was weird at first, as she tried her hardest to get a good view of me from outside, but once teachers started noticing I sat as close as physically possible to the door. It was difficult but I tried to keep Mikasa happy as best I could.

I trailed behind her as we walked briskly through the crowded hallways.

“Grisha gave me some money this morning so I thought we could go out after school. You seem upset, Eren, are you okay? Anything I can help with? You know you can always talk to me.”

I cringed slightly at how she said my father’s name.

“Mikasa, Mikasa, slow down. I’m fine.”

Her steps slowed as we reached the front doors. The look she gave me was almost hurt and I knew I had said something wrong.

“Eren, you never tell me anything anymore. What happened? Do you not love me?” Mikasa asked accusingly as she tightened her grip on my wrist. I suddenly felt small underneath her glare. She took a step towards me, her boots scraping heavily against the floor.

“Ouch, Mikasa, can we please not have this conversation here?”

With a unsatisfied frown she continued to drag me through the parking lot to her BMW. Dad gave Mikasa her the Gran Turismo for her 16th birthday last year in attempts to win her love. This only resulted in her having the most expensive car in the junior parking lot. I slid into the passenger side and threw my bag in the back seat. When the car didn’t start I turned to look at Mikasa just as she slammed her lips against mine. It was forced and awkward and unpleasant. She barely caught my top lip between her teeth before I pushed her away with a grunt.

“What the hell?”

“Eren, why don’t you love me?” she practically screamed as she nearly missed slamming the horn with her elbow.

I could see the corners of her mouth twitch.

“No, Mikasa please don’t cr-”

She began to wail, earning confused looks from fellow classmates as they passed our car.

I ran my fingers through my hair in an attempted to gather my thoughts. Today had been weird. Too weird. Levi could’ve picked on anyone else in the class, but he picked me. Mikasa, beautiful and intelligent, could have anyone else in the school or even the world, but she fell in love with me.

It had always been me.


	3. Difficulty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: another chapter! i'd like to make a shout out to my lovely editor/proofreader and a total life saver, emmy. bless your soul.  
> the plot thickens yeah yeah!  
> edit: i fixed some formatting issues.

_From every direction cold, gray eyes followed me. They watched every move I made and every breath I took with exact precision._

_“Eren,” a voiced called from somewhere I couldn’t see._

_I frantically looked about, searching for the source of the sound._

_“Eren,” it called again._

_“Y-yes?”_

_The voice became louder as it called my name again._

“Eren!”

Mikasa shook me awake.

“Eren! Get up!” She dragged me from underneath the blankets with a firm tug of my arm. Although we were the same height, she easily beat me with strength. Back in middle school she saved me from plenty of fights; my temper wasn’t the most controllable thing. Almost every boy was afraid of her, which was probably why Mikasa hasn’t had a boyfriend yet. Who was I to say anything? I was fantasizing about my teacher. I was in no place to talk about stuff like this.

Stumbling over scattered clothes and trash, I made my way to the bathroom. I never cared enough about my appearance before, but looking at my hair I figured it wouldn’t hurt to brush it. Maybe today would be the day I wore some AXE as well. Looking in the mirror I almost didn’t recognize myself.

Mikasa handed me coffee and a bagel as I stepped into the kitchen. She took a step back to examine my outfit.

“Are you… Are you trying to impress anyone, Eren?”

I looked down at myself, pulling at the hem of my shirt. I _did_ pick a shirt from my closet and not the floor. Not that it meant anything, really.

“What? No. Who would I want to impress?”

Mikasa raised one eyebrow.

“You never try to look nice. You never even try to look presentable.” She reached out to ruffle my hair. “I don’t know where Eren went but can he come back? I admit I’m rather startled.”

I swatted her hand away without force.

“Hey, I just thought I would put some effort in to my appearance, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I heard Mikasa giggle as she reached to grab her Trigonometry textbook from the table.

“Okay, Eren, whatever you say. I’ll go grab my paper from the printer and then we’ll go, alright?”

She disappeared around the corner and I pulled my bag from the back of the chair.

As I filled it with worksheets, I realized I was missing something.

“Hey, Mikasa, have you seen my French book?”

It was on the table last time I had it, but I remembered Levi said some of the articles I needed were online so I might’ve taken it upstairs when I grabbed my laptop. I could see Levi’s lips move around the words like it was an art. His eyes as he scanned the class, how his eyebrows changed slightly when he-

_Eren, get a hold of yourself._

This was getting out of hand and fast. Damn, this was all levels of wrong. Out of all people, why me?

“Yo, hello, Eren?” Mikasa shook the book in my face. “I found it underneath the table. You must have dropped it or something. Let’s get going.”

I shoved the book in my bag and followed Mikasa out the door. It might’ve been the coffee or the good mood I was in, but for once, I was actually excited to go to school. It was probably the coffee.

 

 

“Alright, alright, shut up. Class has begun,” Levi leaned back against his desk. “Everyone take out your books. Page 56.” He reached around to grab his cup of coffee by the rim and take a small sip.

_Who the hell holds their cup like that? How does he manage to not spill any on himself? Hell, if I tried that I’d probably drop it before I even got a taste._

He meandered around the desk and began writing on the board. It finally struck me how short he really was. Come to think of it, how old was he? Levi was far too handsome to be over 30 but he had to be older than 20. Wait, why did that matter? There was no way a 16-year-old could be with someone old enough to teach, let alone a _teacher_. _Their_ teacher. Their incredibly _attractive_ and _intelligent_ French teacher.

I was completely screwed. I tried to focus on the board, but I was mesmerized by the way Levi’s hands moved.

_Is it possible to be graceful when writing on a white board?_

I let my eyes wander from his thin wrists to his muscular forearms and down his sides and hips. The light blue dress shirt didn’t give much away but I could tell Levi was unbelievably fit. His shirt was tucked neatly into his pants, black straight leg trousers that fit like they were made for him. They defined his butt and toned thighs perfectly. He shifted legs to grab the erasing cloth from its holder on the other side of the board. I just couldn’t stop staring at his ass; the way he moved was too enticing. I had long forgotten what he was talking about.

I was pulled from the haze as I found my pants had become uncomfortably tight.

_Oh no, this is bad. This is really bad._

“Oi, Jaeger,” Levi snapped twice in front of my face. “I see you managed to fix that messy bed hair of yours, but it seems you’re still asleep.”

If it wasn’t for my shaking hands, I could’ve sworn I was dead. My heart stopped. I couldn’t breathe. Everything went blank.

_Shit, shit, shit!_

Had he seen my hard on? Did he ask me a question? Did I look like I was mentally undressing my teacher? I was so fucking dead. Wait, he noticed I brushed my hair? Everything was slow motion but happening too fast.

“Eh?”

_Yeah, Eren. Smooth._

“The bell rang, class is over and whomever is at the door looks like she’ll rip you a new asshole if you don’t get up in the next 3 seconds.”

I blinked twice.

“Oh! Y-yeah, uh, I’ll be going now.”

A bit taken aback by his crude language and the fact I had managed to survive what was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life, I scrambled out of the classroom as fast as I could.

“And Jaeger?”

I froze solid with my hand on the door handle.

“If you’re having a _hard_  time in this class, let me know. Although, I have no doubts you can _handle_ it on your own.”

He gave me a knowing smirk and dismissed me with a wave.

As I slowly let the door close behind me, I wondered.

_Why is it always me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also thank you to katja for the dick joke idea, you rock.  
> until next time, thank you for reading!


	4. Almost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: hello and welcome to levi's pov!! i'll be switching pov from here on out.  
> also, i don't speak french at all so if there are any errors in the french please point them out to me and i'll fix them!  
> thanks again to emmy for being patient with me and how slow i write.  
> school starts up tomorrow so the updates might come a little slower, however i still have plenty of study hall to write.  
> anyways, enough blab! this is probably my best chapter so far, i hope you enjoy!

My mère used to say that “almost” only counts in horseshoes and handgrenades. Like the time I “almost” got myself killed back in highschool. Staring at my best friend while I coughed on cigarette smoke, 2 inches away from “almost” making everything ten times worse. Screaming at Hanji as she smacked my shoulder hard enough to “almost” dislocate it. Looking out over the sea of teenagers, I “almost” gasped at the beautiful boy in the front row.

After high school I never really wanted a relationship, even if I could have found someone I tolerated enough to be with. So out of all people, the brat with eyes wide and blue like the sea threw himself head first into my life.

I was “almost” concerned. I was “almost” annoyed. I was “almost” sure Eren Jaeger was very, very attractive. I had “almost” convinced myself he was nothing more than a pretty face.

At the time, I prayed my mère was right.

 

“I know you’re all _more_ than excited to be in French class but let’s get it started, alright?”

They were all here. I cared about all of my students, but only a few really caught my attention. Sasha Braus was an airhead and tried to eat in class _every single day_ but easily beat out her classmates when speaking colloquial French. She was a natural. However, Connie Springer probably couldn't do any of the work without Sasha’s help. Despite his obvious _challenges_ , Connie worked hard and he put forth more effort than I gave him credit for.

For some idiotic reason beyond me, Jean Kirschtein managed to get into my French class. He was obviously French and spoke the language fluently and _even so_ he barely passed the class. Without Marco Bodt, his boyfriend, (if they tried to be discreet, it didn’t work at all) he’d probably forget to write his name on the tops of his worksheets.

Christa Lenz, the only girl shorter than myself, was my perfect student.

But out of all my precious shitty brats, Eren Jaeger won first place as the most shitty, annoyingly talented and handsome brat of them all. What he lacked in intelligence he made up with effort.

It was an interesting bunch, no doubt.

I tallied off the rest and sat back in my chair.

“Alright, take out your books and turn to page 60. Read through and answer questions 1 through 5 on page 64.”

The coffee that sat on my desk wasn’t even hot anymore but I took a sip anyways. It was complete and utter shit.

_Why hasn’t anyone bought real coffee for the teachers’ lounge?_

“Hey teach, how come you can drink in class and we can’t? And why do you hold your mug like that?” Kirschtein gestured to the lousy coffee I was holding.

“Well, horse face, I don’t trust you guys to be careful and not spill anything. You know how I like it nice and clean,” I spoke as I peered over the rim, disinterested.

“That’s stupid! I can drink Gatorade without spilling it.”

I wanted to smack that incredulous look off his face.

“And _Jean_ ,” I set the mug down and propped my chin on my hands to grin at him, “vous ne devriez pas vous moquer de la façon dont je tiens ma tasse jusqu'à ce que vous passez ma classe.”

Face flushed, he turned to Marco who only gave him a shrug. Jean opened his mouth in defense but was cut off when someone started coughing in the back row.

Sasha had the most panicked look on her face as she clutched at her neck and frantically looked around the room. Her coughing fit soon turned into strangled gargling sounds and labored breaths. I automatically reached for my coffee and ran it over to her; Sasha spastically grabbed for it and took a large sip. Everyone had stilled in shock, but something moved in my peripheral vision. Eren was rigid and tense, clutching his pencil so hard his knuckles had become white.

_Is he alright?_

Sasha took one last gulp of the coffee and rubbed her eyes.

“Wow… Thank you, Levi! That was terrifying.” Her voice was hoarse as she handed the mug back to me.

Connie leaned over to inspect her face.

“What were you choking on, Sasha?”

Shasha produced a small pack of gum from her pocket. “A piece of gum,” she looked up apologetically at me, “I figured since I couldn’t actually eat in this class I’d chew gum instead.”

“Sasha, you were lucky I had something to drink with me, but this is the last time I see you with food or gum in class. Got it?” I handed her the mug. “Go fill this up with water in case your throat hurts again.”

She tucked the packet back in her pocket. “Alright, Levi. Thank you.” After signing out, Sasha hurried to the water fountain.

As I made my way back to the front, it seemed Eren had gotten progressively more stressed. With no crazy, black-haired girl near the door, I deemed it safe to stand in front of his desk.

“Eren?”

His pupils dilated and I thought he stopped breathing.

“Eren!”

The snap of the mechanical pencil rang through the classroom and I staggered back in surprise. Eren inhaled sharply and locked his eyes onto mine.

We stared at each other for a few moments, completely forgetting I had a class to teach. His eyes were swirling with so many emotions, but utterly dead at the same time. He looked like he was about to cry, not from sadness, but anger.

Eren blinked a few times then looked down at his fists. After glancing back at me, his body relaxed.

“Levi, I jus-”

“I’m baaaack!” Sasha sang as the door swung open.

Eren took one last glimpse at me and sulked back into his seat.

“Alright, Sasha. Sign back in and sit down. You guys still have work to finish.”

The rustle of books and whispers filled the room as everyone went back to reading. I pulled a pen from my pocket and handed it to Eren.

“Here. You can use mine. Keep it.”

He gawked at me for a second before clumsily grabbing it.

“Th-thank you.”

_Is he blushing?_

I had no time to dwell on that because only a minute later Kirschtein sent a jeer from the back.

“Hey no fair! Last time I didn’t have a pencil you told me to get over it!”

I sat back in my chair and opened my teacher’s textbook.

“C'est parce que vous êtes un gosse.”

“Hey I’m not a-”

Eren looked curiously up at me as I adjusted my glasses.

“Et marmots ne reçoivent crayons supplémentaires.”

 

Sasha “almost” choked. Kirschtein “almost” made me lose my cool.

But I had definitely gotten lost in Eren’s mysterious eyes.


	5. Screwed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: now rated E!!! alright alright alright alright alright alright (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧  
> this chapter is completely unbeta'd because i stayed home sick and thought "why the hell not" so here it is! sorry for any grammar mistakes. once it's proofed i'll update it. i just wanted to get it up and out of the way so i can write chapter 6. 
> 
> this chapter is in eren's pov. it's also pretty dialogue heavy but that's just how it turned out. i also introduce a new character!  
> hope you enjoy!
> 
> edit: it is now beta'd! thank you again to emmy for her time and effort uwu

 

With only a few weeks left until midterms, most of my schedule was studying, studying and more studying. I wanted to go to college with my own intelligence rather than my father’s money, so I studied as hard as I could. If there was one good thing I had gained during high school, it was my almost obnoxious ambition.

The only things I managed to enjoy during this were sleep, French class, and lunch with my best friend.

 

"Hey Armin, do you have any napkins?" I asked from across the table.

Armin Arlert was my best friend in the whole universe. He lived with his grandfather a few streets away and we were together throughout our childhood. Underneath all his blond hair was a brain so brilliant I couldn’t even fathom it. I wouldn't doubt he was the smartest kid at Shiganshina High.

"Uh huh," he said through a mouthful of salad as he handed me a bunch of napkins.

"Thanks." I gave one to Mikasa and she put it on her lap.

"Eren, are you alright? Something is on your mind, I can tell."

I swore that child knew more about me than I did.

Mikasa watched me from the corner of her eye with a confused yet accusing expression until her phone buzzed on the table.

She picked it up, read the text message, and shoved it in her pocket.

"I have to go, Annie wants to work on the Latin project together. I'll see you later, Eren."

Mikasa hesitated. It looked like she wanted to ask something but stopped herself. Another buzz from her phone prompted her to get up, albeit reluctantly.

"Alright guys, see you later."

I watched her walk away and vanish through the double doors.

"She still likes you. It's obvious," Armin muttered as he picked at some cherry tomatoes.

I sighed deeply and crossed my arms.

"Yeah. That's not the worst part, though." I figured with Mikasa gone I could finally tell Armin.

He stared at me quizzically. I stared back.

"And? What's the worst part?"

I ran my fingers through my hair but instantly regretted it as I remembered I brushed it that morning . After unsuccessfully patting it back down I slouched to rest my chin on the table.

"I have the hots for my French teacher."

Armin nearly spit out his water.

"You're kidding."

"No," I whined. "I wish I was. And what’s even worse is that I think he tries to mess with me on purpose."

He put the top back on his salad and placed it neatly in his lunch box. "Why do you think that?"

"Well," I began as I mentally backtracked to a few weeks ago, "Levi never calls on anyone in class, right? But he specifically picked on me after he asked the whole class. I almost forgot to answer him because I got distracted by how attractive he was.”

Armin tried to stifle a giggle by biting his knuckles.

"H-hey! Don't laugh at me!"

"Sorry, sorry. Continue."

"And then after I had some, uh, rather _inappropriate_ thoughts in class he had to literally snap in my face because I hadn't even noticed the bell had rung."

"Seriously, Eren?" He was staring at me wide-eyed.

"It gets worse. He noticed I had a raging boner and told me if I was having a _hard_ time in class I could ask him for help. It was so embarrassing. What was that even supposed to mean?" I faceplanted the table.

_This sucks._

"And a few days ago I had a horrible flashback in the middle of class and Levi was the one to get me out of it. He wasn't angry or anything! For some reason I was so relieved to see his face. The best part was that after I broke my pencil, he gave me one of his own fancy pens. He never lets kids borrow his pens. Levi’s a huge neat freak and probably a germaphobe too."

Armin slowly leaned forward and placed his elbows on the table. "I think he might like you as well."

It was my turn to look confused. "What?! You can't be serious."

"I don’t know. I guess it's intuition. If anything, he thinks you're special. Different from the rest, unique, whatever. It seems Levi’s taken interest in you." He took a sip of his water and looked me in the eye. "But there's still something wrong, isn't there?"

I huffed. "Probably the fact that Levi and I will probably _never_ happen considering he's a _teacher_."

Armin rested his chin on his hands. "Alright, valid point. _Besides_ that."

I figured he wouldn't let me brush it off for too long.

"Mikasa tried to kiss me. She's been getting way too close lately. It's uncomfortable. You know I struggle in math, right? Well, whenever she tries to help, she leans against me and presses our cheeks together. It's too weird."

"And you're probably scared what will happen if she finds out that you like one of your teachers."

He was right. The last thing I wanted was an angry Mikasa boring holes through the door as she stared at Levi in envy.

"Bingo, you win, Armin."

"What do I win?" He smiled at me.

I rolled my eyes. "My pride, humility, and sanity."

I spent the rest of the day thinking about Levi.

 

_"Ah, Le-Levi!" I cried out in pain._

_He leaned closer to kiss my forehead. "Just relax, alright? It will feel better soon."_

_I took a few deep breaths and tried to relax. Levi was much bigger than I expected. I knew the first time would be painful but this was not quite what I had in mind._

_After a few more moments of Levi stroking my sides lightly and whispering in my ear, the pain eased into pleasure. Although I was still uncomfortable, it was manageable._

_I hooked my arms around his neck and exhaled slowly. The room was hot and the air was thick with sex and lust._

_I had become hyper aware of everything. Levi’s voice in my ear, his hot breath on my neck, and the smell of our sweat and his cologne._

_"A-alright. I think I'm ready," I whispered more to myself than Levi._

_Levi gently caressed my cheek. "Are you sure?"_

_I nodded._

_He was slow at first. I knew he didn't want to hurt me. It felt weird, but it wasn't unpleasant._

_"Fuck, Eren. You're so tight." His movements became faster and every feeling of discomfort disappeared. Sweat dripped from his hair when he flipped me onto my side and bent my leg over his shoulder._

_Something about this position felt so nice. Levi let his head hang down and I craned my neck to give him a sloppy kiss._

_One particular thrust sent sparks throughout my whole body. My vision blurred and a cry of bliss was ripped from somewhere deep in my throat._

_"Good boy, Eren. Scream for me." He kissed my calf and continued to hit the same spot over and over again._

_"Le-Levi... I lo- ah! Oh fuck. Yes, yes, oh my God."_

_I was getting goosebumps. My whole body tingled and twitched. I knew I was close. Fuck, I was so close. Levi's lewd sounds of pleasure became louder and he hit me harder with his thrusts. The sound of skin slapping together and our moans echoed in my brain._

_"Eren, je t'aime."_

_Levi reached down to stroke my neglected cock in time with his hips. It was too much to take. I was filled with him: his sounds, his words, himself. I wanted Levi so badly. I needed all of him to myself._

_Moments later I lost myself in the sensation and came with Levi’s name on my lips._

_I was again flipped onto my back again as Levi continued to thrust sporadically into me. All the while peppering kisses across my chest and neck punctuated by "je t'aime"s._

_I couldn't take anymore. My senses were on complete overload. I clawed at Levi’s back and tugged at his hair._

_His movements slowed as he climaxed, coming inside of me. Levi rested his forehead on mine, both of us panting heavily. He kissed me gently and explored my mouth with his tongue. I pulled back, our lips still held together with a string of saliva when he suddenly bit my lower lip._

 

I woke up sweaty and hot. Cautiously, I reached down and confirmed my worst fear. My crotch was damp with sweat and cum.

In that moment, I knew two things for sure. One, I just had a very vivid, very sexual, and very intense wet dream about Levi. Two, I was completely and utterly screwed.

And for the first time, I questioned if it was a bad thing that this was happening to me.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: hahaha i can't write porn by e  
> [slams face on laptop] 
> 
> thank you again for reading!
> 
> edit: you can find me at arminsboner.tumblr.com! all things fic related are tagged as fic: iwam.
> 
> edit 2: it has come to my attention that i _unintentionally_ made a pun with the "i was totally screwed"   
>  yeah eren, you fuckin' were


	6. Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: get this fucking ooc piece of trash out of my face i don't ever want to see it again don't even let me fucking look at it holy hell  
> this whole chapter is absolute _crap_  
>  i apologize in advance 
> 
> as always, thanks for reading!
> 
> levi's pov
> 
> edit: i changed the chapter from "distractions" to "maybe"  
> after reading it again, i thought that fit a little better

I leaned against the counter, cold marble against my back. My eyelids were heavy with exhaustion and sleep deprivation. That stupid brat haunted my dreams. The beep of the microwave was lost in the sounds of his wanton moans: shameless, provocative, incredibly and undeniably intoxicating. Every time I closed my eyes he was there, a blushing virgin mess writhing under my every touch. I knew what would happen if I slept anymore. It was vile. It was unforgivable. It was astonishingly wrong on infinitely many levels.

My body kept slipping back into slumber. Images of Eren filled my head and attacked my vision mercilessly.

The sharp smell of coffee tore me from the dream.  

The time on the clock was 2:53 A.M. Maybe if I ate something I could think clearly. I pulled the bowl of pasta from the microwave and poured the coffee into a large mug. I must’ve looked immensely pathetic standing in my kitchen, wearing nothing but boxers and eating leftovers. As I drank my coffee it occurred to me how fucking shitty it was black. I couldn’t find it in me to care. Any sensation, even disgust, was better than the scandalous attraction I felt to this shitty brat. Maybe If I cleaned a bit I would feel better. After I washed the dishes, I dragged the vacuum from the closet and started on the couch. Before I knew it, the time read 5:30 A.M. and I had to get ready for school.

 

“Alright so, uh, get your books out and um, turn to page…” I stopped. The image of Eren trembling around me, profanities falling from his lips as he rode me shoved its way to the front of my brain.

_What the fuck? This is fucking insane, get it together, Levi._

“Mr. Levi? We left off on page 72 yesterday, if that helps,” a tiny voice said from the middle row.

Christa flipped through a few pages before she spoke again. “Yeah, page 72.” She smiled brightly at me.

“Thanks, Christa. So yeah, turn to page 72,” I deadpanned as I sat up from my chair. The whiteboard was a mess with markers, drying cloths, magnets and dust.

_I can’t believe I let it get this bad._

I stood with my arms crossed. This didn’t feel right.

“Hey teach, are we gonna do something or what?”

I sent the dirtiest glare in Kirschtein’s direction.

“Can you just keep your horse mouth shut for two goddamn minutes or I swear I will-”

“Didn’t you say we were going to watch a movie today?” Marco interjected weakly.

I stared blankly. _Oh yeah._

“Yes, yes, sorry I don’t know what I was thinking.”

As I turned back to pull the projector screen down I stole a glance at Jaeger. He seemed a bit uneasy, squirming and flushed. It took all my concentration to push any thoughts of last night deep into my skull.

I went to grab the cord but it was just out of my reach. _Fuck_. I hopped a few times in hopes to catch it on my finger but I was too fucking short.

“Jaeger!” I shouted, “Get this cord for me, will you?” I racked my brain for excuses as to why I called on Eren but eventually settled on the fact he sat in the front.

He got up slowly and carefully, yanking his shirt over the top of his pants.

_Of course._

“Alright, just pull it down enough that I can grab it.”

Eren reached for the string and grabbed it with ease. It struck me then how wonderfully muscular he was. I would’ve never expected this stupid brat to take care of himself.

I quickly grabbed for it once he pulled it down. My hand accidentally wrapped around Eren’s before he yanked it away.

“S-sorry, Levi,” he muttered under his breath and hurried back to his seat. I didn’t think it was possible for Eren to blush any harder than he already was, but that boy was as red as a tomato.

The rest of class went by smoothly enough.

I caught Eren staring at me a few times throughout the movie, though. He couldn’t have been anymore obvious. It was then that I threw all sanity and logic out the window. I knew he wasn’t paying attention to the screen at all, so maybe I could play with him.

I crumpled a piece of scrap paper from my desk and tried to toss it over my shoulder into the recycling bin. I could’ve easily done it but I missed on purpose. I watched as Eren followed the paper ball with his eyes. I casually got up and sauntered to the green bin right in front of him. The last shred of dignity left my body as I slowly bent down, stretching my legs, trying to present my ass right to Eren. I knew the other students wouldn’t notice if I spent a little extra time to pick up a crumpled piece of paper.

After I had successfully dropped it in the recycling bin, I decided to throw my humility down the drain as well when I met Eren’s eyes.

It took what little self control I had left not to kiss him right then. Eren shifted uncomfortably in his seat, obviously embarrassed and bothered. At that point, I was sure he knew I was messing with him.

For the rest of class Eren and I shared knowing glances with each other.

I was totally fucked, and that afternoon sealed my fate.                   

 

I slept peacefully for the first time in a while. Maybe I was exhausted, maybe it was what I had for lunch. Or maybe I had finally accepted my feelings for the brat.

There was still something left to be desired.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: i had an alternate ending to this but i fucked it up sorry there was supposed to be smut but i just ????  
> [sigh]  
> thanks again for reading!!


	7. Whatever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: this was a pain in the ass to write, i apologize for any quality/pacing errors  
> another huge thanks to emmy, she keeps me sane when i write. i don't know what i'd do without her c:
> 
> also, eren's pov
> 
> edit: i changed a line, i suck at planning haaaa

The week before exams was always the most difficult for me. Every year was the same, overbearing Mikasa trying everything she possibly could to “help” (organize my whole schedule so I had time to study with _her_ ) and late night review sessions with Armin. It was hard enough to pass with a B average. The whole thing with Levi pushed my stress to somewhere I didn’t know even existed. He knew I had caught onto his _antics_ , not that I really minded when he bent over in front of my desk with that sly smirk plastered to his face. We had a weird unspoken understanding of what was going on. Honestly, I was more than fine with the situation. That was precisely the problem. It wasn’t okay at all that this was happening, and I laid awake at night thinking about how wrong everything was. Not only was I thoroughly confused, but the sexual frustration ate me alive. With Mikasa tracking my every move, following me to every class, and even _glaring_ at poor Christa when she waved at me, I had no chance to relieve myself. It was torture.

For some stupid reason every emotion I felt became anger eventually. I was an angry person deep down. This got me in a lot of trouble.

 

The bell rang as I was copying down the rest of my notes.

“Jaeger, come here.”

I waited for everyone to file out of the classroom before I got up and walked to Levi’s desk.

“You work the hardest in the class, I know that. I thought I’d help you out a bit by printing off some study sheets for you. You seemed stressed so I’ll give you a break this time. Don’t think too much of it, brat.” He looked up at me and I swore I saw him smile a little.

Most of our shenanigans were initiated by Levi, but this time I thought I’d try something myself.

“Thank you, Levi.” I reached for the papers and placed my hand above his, holding it tight.

“I said don’t think too much of it, Eren.” Levi looked blankly at me. I saw in his eyes a hint of compassion and something else I couldn’t quite place. Levi seemed cold and laconic from the outside, but I knew he had a heart.

“Alright.” I took the papers and sauntered back to my seat, putting the sheets and notes into my folder and packing everything away.

“Thank you again, Levi!” I called from the doorway before I closed it behind me.

Mikasa lurched forward, nearly pinning me to the opposite wall.

“Why were you late out of class, Eren?”

“Levi gave me some-”

“Are you in trouble? Did he punish you? That midget went too far.”

“Mikasa, I don’t think-”

“Anyways, we’re going to study some math today. Do you want to go to the library?”

“I don’t want to st-”

“But your worst subject is math! You don’t want to fail, do you?”

“Mikasa, I re-”

“If Mom were here, she’d want you to do well. Let me help you, come on, Eren.”

That was the last straw. I absolutely hated when she used Mom to get what she wanted; she knew I wouldn’t object.

“Mikasa, you know I hate it when you use Mom as an excu-” I was cut off again as she grabbed my hand and began to drag me down the hallway.

“Mikasa! Stop it I don-”

“You wouldn’t want to disappoint her, right, Eren?” She intertwined her fingers with mine.

“That’s not it! Mikasa, seriously!” I tried to pull my hand away, digging my heels into the floor.

“But Eren-”

“No!”

“Eren-”

“Enough!”

I successfully pried myself from her. I had let my voice escalate to a dangerous volume. I was too angry to care. I was sick of this.

Mikasa had the most pathetic and pitiful expression on her face.

“But mom-”

“That’s enough!” I screamed. The words burned my throat and ripped the tension in the air, echoing down the empty hallway.

“But Ere-” Mikasa pleaded.

My fingernails dug into the flesh of my palm. I was shaking with anger.

“No, enough. I’m not weak or stupid or whatever the hell you think I am! I don’t like you like that, Mikasa. I’m sorry. Stop.” My voice had morphed into a rough growl.

“But I just want to protect you,” she said calmly, reaching to gently grab my fists.

I yanked my arms away, crossing them defiantly.

“I’m not a child. I don’t need a mom.” I glowered at her, piercing through the innocent act. “Besides, you’ll never be her anyways. Stop trying.”

The moment that left my lips I knew the damage was done. I hated my stupid fucking mouth.

Mikasa was devastated. It was the same look from a few months earlier in her car after I pushed her away. Her mouth contorted somewhere between agape with shock and downturned with despair, eyes glossy, face pale and empty.

“Eren, I…” She took a deep breath.

I had dug my grave already; I decided the deeper the better.

“You know what? I don’t need you at all.”

“Eren! You don’t know what you’re saying!”

“I don’t care! I don’t need you or… or anyone! Whatever! Fucking whatever!”

Everything came crashing down at once. One big avalanche of pent up sorrow, sexual frustration, exhaustion, indifference, all of it, hit me with enough force to knock the wind from my lungs. I staggered backwards, my skull colliding with the brick wall.

Whatever.

Fuck midterms, fuck college, fuck Mikasa, fuck dad and his worthless money, fuck my French class, fuck Levi.

Fuck Levi.

_Levi…_

I sighed heavily, letting the rest of my cares flow out through clenched teeth.

“Leave me alone.” I stared into her gray eyes, mine impassive and blank.

Mikasa opened her mouth to say something but slowly shut it, lips pursed. I knew what she was going to say.

“I don’t even need a ride home, I’ll fucking walk if I have to. Whatever. Just go… Please.”

I felt my stomach knot and my throat tighten. This was awful.

I watched my sister walk away slowly, taking one last pleading look over her shoulder before pushing through the doors and into the parking lot.

I bit my thumb as hard as I could in an attempt to contain the imminent breakdown. Pain was better than guilt, resentment or anything else. I stood there, blood staining my lips, listening to the sound of it drip from my wrist to the floor. My eyes slid closed, silent sobs racked my body, and mute screams rang in my ears.

“Eren?”

I nearly shrieked with surprise. I thought everyone had left the school by now.

“Eren, is that you?”

Levi emerged from the classroom across the hall. He eyed me suspiciously and scanned the vacant hallways.

His face suddenly became panicked as he ran over to me.

I knew Levi was hesitant to touch me in any way. He gently held my wrist, rotating it slightly so he could assess the damage. By this point it was caked with blood and spit, throbbing and aching. Another hand held my cheek, his palms surprisingly warm. Levi sighed and reluctantly let go.

“Eren, are you alright?” he said quietly, his eyebrows furrowed slightly.

I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice just yet.

“What happened? Nevermind, you don’t have to tell me.”

“My… My hand kinda hurts.” I didn’t even recognize myself.

“Well, the nurse has left already and-”

“How much did you hear?” I asked bluntly. The last thing I needed was Levi to know how messed up my life was.

He sighed. “All of it. You don’t exactly want to go home, do you Eren?”

I searched the ceiling for the right answer. I should’ve gone home and apologized. Instead, I went with the most selfish solution. “Not really.”

“Alright.” He pulled a tissue from his pocket and handed it to me. “Put this on your hand for now. Stay here.”

Levi returned shortly after with his keys and briefcase.

“Let’s go.”

I followed him quietly through the winding corridors, a strange excitement replacing the numbness from moments before.

The teachers’ lot was practically barren by the time we got in his BMW. It wasn’t as nice as Mikasa’s but it was a nice car nonetheless.

“Get blood _anywhere_ in my car and I will make sure you fail French for the rest of your life, understood?” Levi warned as he put the keys in the ignition.

“Alright,” I muttered, looking out the window.

The ride to Levi’s house wasn’t too far from the school. Neither of us said anything, but it was a comfortable silence.

 

Levi’s living room was a slate gray with minimal decoration, a few pictures of abstract art near the television and leather furniture.

“Eren, would you like any coffee or tea?” he called from the kitchen.

“Whatever. If you’re having some I guess I’ll have tea.”

“Alright, let me go get some stuff for your hand.”

Levi flicked the light on in the bathroom and picked through the closet until the found what he needed.

“Alright, this might hurt okay, I’m sorry,” he said as he laid an assortment of bottles and gauze on the ottoman.

If there was a better chance for this, I didn’t know when it would come. I decided to go for it.

“I’ll… I’ll tell you what happened. If you want it to make any sense, I need to start from the beginning.”

He looked up at me cautiously.

“You don’t have to force yourself, Eren.”

“I’m not. I mean, I’ve never told anyone besides Armin. Well, we’ve been friends since we were kids so it’s whatever. He knew anyways.”

“I guess if you feel comfortable telling it then I’m here to listen. It might even distract you from the pain in your thumb. You really did a job on it. Speaking of which, let me get you a water first, you still have some blood on your mouth.”

Levi grabbed a water bottle from the fridge, opened it, and handed it to me.

I took a large sip and washed the metallic aftertaste down my throat.

“Thanks. Well, I guess I should start the day my mom died.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: hhahhHAHAHA CLIFFHANGERS  
> sorry it cut short, i knew i wouldn't have time tomorrow or friday to write or post and i really didn't want to go 3 days without updating so here it is 
> 
> thank you for reading!!!


	8. Weird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: warning - brief description of domestic violence
> 
> this chapter is really boring and full of dialogue, sorry 
> 
> in order for this chapter to make more sense, i _strongly_ suggest you read [the side chapter i wrote](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1131201)
> 
> thanks to emmy, again, for fixing my shitty writing
> 
> as always, thanks for reading
> 
> edit: i didn't even fucking title it... good one pffft

“She was beautiful,” I said sadly. “I have my father’s eyes but my mother’s face.”

Levi hummed in acknowledgement as he spritzed hydrogen peroxide on the cut. It stung more than I thought. It _really_ hurt. I sucked in a breath through clenched teeth.

“Sorry, I told you it would hurt.”

I listened to the fizzing sound for a few moments before I began again.

“Well, my father is very powerful man. He never really told us where he worked, only that it was in the city and very important.

“When I was little, he was as normal as any father would be. But when I got into middle school, he became very distant from us. He spent all his time in the basement, which he turned into his office, working on 'important' things.

“Mom tried to hide the bruises from us but,” I sighed, looking at Levi, “we both knew what was happening.

“The night mom died is still really blurry for me. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with Mikasa after dinner. They were in the kitchen cleaning dishes and my father started yelling about something. He grabbed mom by the shoulder and shook her back and forth, yelling louder and louder. At that point, I took Mikasa into the bathroom near the back of house, the one with the window. I held her in the bathtub, both of us helpless and listening to the smacks and screams from the kitchen. It suddenly got quiet, and all I could hear was strangled breathing and the dishes shattering on the floor. Then it was my father’s crying. He…” I struggled to breathe. “He had strangled her and… When he realized what he did he took her to the hospital, but it was too late.

"The last thing I remember from that night was wiping away Mikasa’s tears as she fell asleep in my arms.

“I… It was…” My face was soaking wet with tears I didn’t realize I had shed.

“You don’t have to say any more, Eren.”

Levi had already wrapped my hand in gauze and tape by the time I was done with my story. He held it gently while I wiped my face with the crook of my elbow.

It felt weird.

It felt weird to trust someone. It felt weird to sit on Levi’s couch, to tell him everything, to have him listen, to have him or someone or _anyone_ actually care.

But the way he held my hand didn’t feel weird at all.

"You can stay for dinner, if you'd like," Levi said as he got up from the couch. "Nothing fancy, just some steak."

"I mean, my dad's pretty rich but I've never heard of steak being 'nothing fancy'. How stacked are you?"

Levi pulled a few pans from the the cabinet and turned back around to look incredulously at me.

"My mère gave me a nice sum of money when she passed away. I invested in it and all that. I knew teachers make jack shit, so I had to make sure I wouldn't be dirt poor. Damn Erwin for getting me to teach." He pulled some other ingredients from the fridge and laid them on the counter.

_Erwin?_

"Who's Erwin?" I asked, the simple question laced with deeper a meaning.

Silence.

"A friend." The knife cut clean through the steak; I flinched instinctively as it whacked against the cutting board.

I stared at my hands.

"Sorry," I managed to say, tired of listening to the sound of metal against hard plastic.

"For what?" Levi dropped the meat into the hot pan; the sound of oil sizzling and popping echoed through the living room.  

"Uh... Nothing, I guess." _Figures._

The rest of the evening was pleasantly calm. The meal was amazing. Levi tried to explain to me what it was and how it was cooked, going back and forth between English and broken French. All I could concentrate on was his voice, smooth and deep. I watched his lips move and his eyebrows furrow whenever he said _bœuf_.

The ride back to my house was quiet, comfortable, but there was something off.

"Well, we're here."

I turned to face Levi as I unbuckled my seatbelt. "Levi, thank you for tonight. It was... A nice change."

"You're welcome, Eren."

We just looked at each other, the car still running.

I didn't realize I had leaned so far over the center console, my hands dangerously close to his thighs.

"I'll see you Mon-"

The kiss was clumsy and rushed and my hands gripped his thigh and I had thought about my first kiss, but never like this.

I snapped back, slamming my head on the glass window. 

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, I'll just go." I scrambled to grab my bag, my hand was shaking and after three unsuccessful attempts to open the door, Levi reached over and grabbed my hand.

"Eren."

He pulled the handle and pushed the door open with ease.

"Don't be sorry."

I stepped out of the car slowly, still shaking.

"See you Monday, Eren."

Levi pulled the door shut, took one last look at me, his expression full of concern and something else I couldn't place, and drove away.

 

I spent that night starting at the ceiling, the events of the evening playing out like a movie on the pale yellow walls in my room.

_What was I doing fooling around with a teacher?_

I mean, I was attracted to him but it wasn't some typical student/teacher cheesy porno bullshit.

He had noticed me, after years of being invisible. Levi cared. I was confused. _I was... in love?_   What we were doing was wrong. I couldn't think straight.

I stared at my ceiling, the chaste kiss we shared playing on repeat.

I didn't know what to do.

I dealt with it the only way I knew how: to not deal with it at all.

I could be glad it wasn't me.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: whatever
> 
>  tumblr: arminsboner
> 
> edit: i guess you could've _cut the tension... with a knife_ huheueheh  
>  also "i couldn't think straight"  
> hip hip hooray, eren you're gay
> 
> i need to stop with the puns


	9. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, love was kind for a time  
> Now just aches and it makes me blind
> 
> 'Cause there's no drink or drug I've tried  
> To rid the curse of these lover's eyes  
> And I feel numb, beneath your tongue  
> Your strength just makes me feel less strong
> 
>  
> 
> _Lover's Eyes - Mumford & Sons_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: sorry not sorry
> 
> i _strongly_ suggest you listen to lover's eyes because it had a lot to do with the happenings of this chapter 
> 
> levi's pov
> 
> as always, thanks for reading!!!
> 
> p.s. according to emmy, this is the best chapter yet!!

It’d been exactly four months, three weeks, and four days since Eren last talked to me.

The silence started the week after we kissed.

Midterms came and went and when I handed it back to him, a perfect score, all he said was thanks.

I was a man of many things. I was not, however, heartless and cold. As much as I was hurt that Eren didn’t talk to me, I knew not to push him. The last thing I wanted to do was upset him any more. He’d been through enough.

I wracked my brain for reasons why he’d ignore me. Did I push him too far? Had I stepped over a boundary? Was he embarrassed? I had convinced myself it was all my fault.

I didn’t know what I did. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why I cared so much. I hadn’t been so blatantly concerned with someone else’s feelings like that since high school.

I had lost myself during those months. Cleaning no longer brought any calm, steak was repulsive, coffee was disgusting, I hated driving, everything I had once loved gave me grief.

I was losing my mind and Eren was all I saw.

As I stared at his final exam, flawless French in not-so-flawless handwriting, imperfect circles that marked his answers, I knew I loved Eren.

I spent the rest of the night heaving in the bathroom. It was impossible. That fucking brat had taken control of my whole life. It made my stomach churn and my head spin. He hadn’t said a word to me the whole second semester, never gave a single look, and there I was, so shaken by the realization that it made me _sick_.

My mère used to say, trust your gut, but how could I do that? It was practically in my throat.

The whole situation had blown into something much more than a _very_ illegal attraction to a student.

 

There was nothing I could do but watch as he left my classroom the last Friday of his junior year.

 

I held my cellphone tightly, the display illuminating my bedroom in a blue glow. It was 5:43 in the morning. My first week of summer break was already off to a bad start. Hesitantly, I pressed call.

“Levi? What are you doing up? You’ve always been a morning person, but isn’t 5:45 pushing it?” I held the phone away from my ear as deep, booming laughter came through the speaker.

“Erwin, I need your help.” It had been a long time since I said that sentence, and it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

The laughter cut off abruptly. I heard him take a deep breath.

“What do you need?”

“I fucked up. I don’t want to drink alone.”

The words echoed in my head, a familiar voice, more raspy and urgent, choking on the smoky air.

“Please.”

The words fell from my mouth, just like they had years before. Except this time, my voice was empty and raw.

 

20 minutes later, Erwin was standing in my doorway, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and his keys in the other.

I skipped all pretense and snatched the bottle from him, chugging a fourth of it until I couldn’t take the burn anymore.

Erwin took off his jacket and placed it gently on the hooks near the door.

“Same as before?”

I took another swig before walking towards him, grabbing onto his shirt.

“Yeah.”

He had grown taller since the last time I saw him. Firm muscle filled in his otherwise lanky frame, his jaw more defined and chiseled than before.

Before long I had finished the whiskey, half-naked in the middle of my bed.

Erwin was always good at making me come undone, in the best ways possible.

He ran his fingers through my hair, still rough and calloused. I fumbled with his belt buckle and managed to at least get it undone despite my drunken stupor. I tried to tug his pants down but gave up once he licked the shell of my ear, breathing onto my neck. I could feel the muscles of his stomach move as he lifted his hips to pull them the rest of the way down.

I was drifting in and out of awareness, alcohol surged through my veins, pleasure lulling me into a weird trance. I felt out of my body, I felt weightless, I felt numb.

“Ready?”

_As long as we don’t kiss._

Eyes half lidded, I nodded lazily, dropping my head to the side.

I left him fuck me, reacting accordingly to his movements.

“Levi.” Erwin flipped me over, keeping my hips pressed to his.

I turned slowly to look at him.

A brunette with bright blue eyes stared back at me.

The wind was knocked from my lungs with immense force, it hurt to breathe.

“Levi, are you alright?”

Erwin’s eyes focused on my face. The more I looked at him, the less he looked like Eren.

My body went slack and I fell onto the bed next to Erwin. My hands clawed at my face and scalp. What the fuck was I doing?

“Eren…”

“Eren…?” He rolled over to lay on his side next to me, propped up on his elbow. “I knew something was wrong.”

“I can’t believe you’re still my friend after everything I’ve done to you.”

Erwin’s face was stern as he looked at me, my hands still draped over my face.

“Don’t…”

“Levi.”

“What?”

“I’ve learned that sometimes I have to tell you what’s wrong and sometimes you figure it out by yourself. I think you’ve figured it out. I can tell you one thing, though.”

I pulled a sheet up to my chin, suddenly cold.

“You’re overthinking this. It’s probably not as bad as you make it out to be. You don’t have to take responsibility for everything.”

Erwin pushed himself off the bed and gathered his clothes.

I watched Erwin as he got dressed, grabbed his keys and left. He paused before he walked out, gripping the door frame with one hand.

“Call me if you need anything,” he said without turning around.

 

I don’t remember how long I stared at the door, but when the room became dark again, I figured I should get my sorry ass out of bed and shower.

I didn’t feel like making food, or even coffee, so I dragged myself to my car to go to Dunkin’ Donuts for shitty fast food. My stupid sports sedan still held the memories of the night he kissed me. I swore I still felt his hands on my thighs.

Not wanting to spend any more time in my car than I had to, I decided, against my better judgement, to go inside to order.

The time on my watch read 7:04. There was no one else waiting in line and no one behind the counter. I was the only one in the whole store.

“Sorry for the wait, I’ll be right there!” Someone called from the back, the voice drowned out by the whir of machinery.

I held a $20 bill tightly while I scanned the menu, deciding on black coffee with two sugars and a plain donut.

A figure appeared from behind the swinging doors, rushing over to swipe their card into the register.

“Sorry about that, sir, how can I help…”

If I knew Eren worked here, I would’ve never left my house in the first place.

“Levi? Uh… Hi.”

“Hi, Eren.” If he wanted to act like nothing happened, I would, too. “Black coffee with two sugars and a plain donut. Don’t fuck it up.”

“Oh… Alright.”

He bent down to grab a paper bag and reached for a donut on the bottom shelf. I had forgotten how nice his ass was. After promptly shoving that thought as far away as I could, I fiddled with the paper bag he handed to me.

Eren came back moments later with my coffee.

“Thanks.” I went to take it, but he pulled his hand back.

“Levi… Can _we_ talk?”

“If you don’t give me that damn coffee, I guarantee _you’ll_ be the only one talking.”

“If you promise not to leave.”

“I haven’t even paid, dumbass.”

Eren’s face remained rigid. He handed me the cup slowly.

“I’d like to start by apologizing.”

I searched his face for any clue to what he was going to say, but I couldn’t read him at all.

“I’m waiting.”

“Well first… This.”

This kiss wasn’t the same as the first. It felt practiced, natural and _right_. One of Eren’s hands held my cheek while the other gripped the counter as he leaned over it. His lips were soft and he smelled so lovely. He’d grown out of his immaturity. He felt less like an invisible, awkward boy and more like a confident, strong young man.

It was a long time before we pulled away from each other.

Eren ran a hand through his hair, a signature blush across his cheeks.

I took a sip of my coffee, contemplating how to respond. He looked nervously at me, and tugged at the top of his apron.

“Eren.”

“Yes?” He hesitantly looked down at me.

“Apology accepted.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: muahuhauahauha cliffhangers 
> 
> tumblr: arminsboner


	10. Circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking for the light to restore my vision  
> 'Cause I'm walking blind, I keep falling down, I can't find my way  
> I can't explain this feeling
> 
> Feels like I'm leaving something behind  
> Can't think straight, something's on my mind
> 
> The answer's gonna be right in my face
> 
>  
> 
> _A Capella - Brandy_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: alright life happened and wow a month went by sorry
> 
> uh this is probably the stupidest chapter ever and i am sorry 
> 
> unbeta'd and terrible holla at ya boi
> 
> also! [new tumblr](http://bonamanana.tumblr.com/)
> 
> edit: beta'd nearly a month later because my beta's computer broke BUT it's fixed now so yeah

l felt this strange pain in my chest.

"A-are you busy tonight?"

Levi gave me the most sarcastic look.

"I came here at 7 at night to get coffee. Of course I have nothing to do."

"Well then... I'd like to explain myself a little."

Levi walked over to the bar near the window and leaned back on his elbows.

"I'm listening."

“You know… to be honest, I didn't expect it to go this well,” I muttered. “Wait, why did you go out to get coffee when you could’ve just made it at home?”

His expression was pained and surprised and regretful all at once. I had never seen him that expressive.

“None of your fucking business,” was the reply. He looked at me. “What was this about explaining yourself?”

I got myself a cup of ice water and tucked my hair under my hat. I made a mental note to get it cut soon.

“Short version or long version?”

Levi took a sip of his coffee. “Short version. Let’s get out of here.”

I didn't know what he meant by that but I began anyways.

“I was scared. Confused, even. I thought I said too much. For most of my life I just avoided things I didn't know how to deal with. So I thought avoiding you would work, but it didn't. I, uh…”

Memories from the dreams I had interrupted my train of thought. It wasn't the best moment to tell him I had a dream we were married, or that I was much more flexible than I ever remember being.

“Yeah. I guess that’s the short version.”

He looked at his watch. “You’re the manager, right?”

 _How characteristic of him to change subjects so fast_ , I thought to myself. “Yeah, why?”

Levi threw his cup in the trash with a weird elegance. “Close up. We’re leaving.”

“But-”

“We’re leaving.”

He went out to his car and watched me while I shut everything down. Something seemed terribly off but with Levi, I could never really tell. After I locked the front door and got in the passenger side, we sped off in the opposite direction of his house.

Levi had taken me to a small park on the other end of town. He left the car and I followed him silently. It was nearly dusk, the summer breeze pleasantly warm. We walked in silence for a little while, occasionally looking at Levi from the corner of my eye.

Levi suddenly ran down the hill to the swing set and I nearly tripped trying to chase after him. He plopped himself down on one and slowly began to swing his legs. I didn’t know what shocked me more: the fact that he sat on old, rusty playground equipment or that he was smiling.

“We used to race each other down here. She’d say ‘come on Levi, you’re too slow’ and throw herself onto a swing, belly first. I always thought she was immature and silly but I guess it’s how we communicated. I never got the chance to be a kid and she understood. We didn't talk with words but actions. Running to the swings, laughing, throwing snowballs at each other in the fields. I barely spoke English and yet she understood.”

I was too shocked to say anything. I didn't know _what_ to say. If I did, I would've kept quiet anyways.

Levi’s expression turned dark and he gripped the chains hanging from the seat.

“She was ripped from me in 10th grade. I was 16 and in love and I thought nothing could bring me down,” he laughed bitterly. “I tried to deny it. I tried to pretend she was just sleeping, you know?” Levi turned to me, his eyes red and watery. “I didn't know how to deal with it, so I tried to avoid it completely. It was the worst decision of my life.” He turned away. “The point is, I've never cared about anyone else. I had learned to rely on myself. Then Petra came into my life and I finally had someone I could trust and she was taken from me. Nothing ever mattered more to me than her.” A small, sad smile returned to his face, the redness from his eyes still there. Levi dug his heel into the ground and turned to me again. “Until I met you.”

I stared silently at him. How could I respond to that?

“You told me some of your personal life so I gave some of mine. Say something, brat.”

“Uh, I, um… I’m sorry for your loss?” _Fantastic, Eren. Not only are you stupid, you’re also insensitive._

Levi stood up from the swing and brushed off his coat. “I knew this was a bad idea. You really are an idiot.” With one last look at me, he nearly jogged back up the hill towards the car.

“No! Wait, Levi! I didn't mean-” I tried to yell out before my foot got caught in the chains and I fell on my face.

If I had just shut my fucking mouth...

I had ruined my relationship with Mikasa, my father, and now I was losing Levi. I wasn't going to let that happen.

I sprinted up the hill, reaching the top in time to see him get in his car.

“Levi!” I didn't even recognize the sound of my own voice.

“Levi, wait!”

The car started to back out and the sound of gravel under the tires pierced my ears. It was a slim chance, but I tried reach him before he pulled away.

Adrenaline coursed through my entire body and I had never felt so alive. I was hyper aware of everything: the sound of an engine revving, the pavement under my feet and the wind stinging my eyes.

“Levi!”

I threw myself into the hood of his car, frantically searching for something to hold onto. I barely managed to grab a side mirror before my body was thrown backwards to the ground.

A car door opened then slammed shut.

“Are you insane!? What the fuck, Eren!? Do you have a fucking death wish or something!?”

Levi yanked me from the ground by my arm and slammed me onto the hood. His expression was unreadable as always, but through the stars in my vision I could tell he was mad.

There was no air in my lungs but I tried desperately to speak.

“I don’t… I don’t want to lose you,” I managed to say, violently coughing.

“Excuse me?”

Still pumped with adrenaline, I pushed myself off the car and took a deep breath.

“I’m never good with words,” I hit my chest a few times, trying not to cough again, “but I know now I love you. I guess that’s why I’m so clueless. I've never known what love really is. Sorry.”

Levi’s expression softened completely.

“Eren.”

“Levi?”

“You’re bleeding.”

_Typical of Levi to change the subject so suddenly._

“Really?” I twisted my body around and looked for any injuries. The whole back of my calves were covered in cuts and blood. I took my work shirt off and tried to wipe off as much as I could.

Levi sighed and crossed his arms.

“This will be the second time I've had to bring you home and take care of some injury. Come on.” He opened the passenger door. “Get blood anywhere in my car and I will make sure you fail French for the rest of your life, understood?”

A strange laugh left my mouth when I remembered how terrified I was when he first threatened me with that. But then, I wasn't afraid at all.

My cuts were, in reality, much worse than I thought. It didn't hurt when he cleaned and bandaged them though. It was far more embarrassing to be lying face down and shirtless on his couch.  

I was almost 10:30 by the time he was done.

Levi stared at me from across the table.

“Thanks for the shirt. It’s a bit small though.” I took a bite of salad.

“Don’t mention it.”

He kept staring at me.

“If you’re going to ask if I plan on telling my dad where I am, I’m not. It’s not like it matters anyways. For all I know, he’s at a conference somewhere across the country.”

“Would you like-”

“Yes.”

Levi picked up both of our dishes and started washing them.

“I didn't even finish my sentence. But you’re welcome to stay here.” He whipped his head around with the ferocity of a lion. “Don’t even think about getting up to help with the dishes.”

“Okay, okay. Geez.”

“Well, here is your room, extra blankets, extra pillows, what not. Knock yourself out. I wanted a single bedroom apartment but they gave me this one. Basically, no one really sleeps in here, so it’s clean. My whole house is cle-”

“Hey Levi…”

“What?” Judging by the look on his face, he must’ve realized he was rambling.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, brat.”

I gently grabbed Levi’s wrist and pulled him closer to me.

“No really. Thank you.”

Kissing him seemed like too much for the moment, so I settled for a hug. I could almost wrap my arms around his torso. His chin rested on my shoulder and we both took a deep breath. Our bodies fit perfectly with each other.

Levi mumbled something into my shirt.

“What?”

“I said I love you too.”

He promptly left the room and shut the door.

I didn't realize how absolutely exhausted I was until I laid down on the bed. The sheets smelled like fresh laundry and the candles Levi had around the house. I relaxed into the smell and foam mattress. I fell asleep wondering what Levi would make for breakfast in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: sorry, again
> 
> as always, thanks for reading!


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